Money and Relationships: How to Speak to Your Loved Ones About Debt

Money can be a major cause of tension in relationships. Research shows that the more stressful our finances, the less likely we are to discuss them. However, the health of our finances and relationships go hand in hand, and starting a conversation can strengthen both.

Here, we’ll show you how to bring up difficult financial topics with your loved ones, regardless of who’s struggling with debt.

Why it’s important to talk about debt with your loved ones

Money and relationships are often inherently tied. Because of this, talking about financial worries helps build trust as you build your future together.

When you discuss financial concerns, you can:

• Avoid pressure from loved ones unknowingly planning major expenses, like holidays and gifts
• Be able to share the burden and work with your loved ones to find debt solutions
• Strengthen relationships with your loved ones as you invite them to share in your vulnerability

It’s especially important to discuss debt with your loved ones if you share or will share finances. When you pay bills together, your finances can affect their credit score and vice versa, though getting married won’t affect this.

If you’re worried about your credit score affecting a loved one, consider our Equifax Family and Friends plan. This plan allows three adults to access and review their credit reports. When you take out this plan, you can add your spouse, parents, adult children, friends, or housemates.

The main causes of debt and money problems

These are some of the biggest causes of debt and money problems. Given the connection between money and relationships, it’s important to discuss these challenges if you’re facing them.

1. Gambling

Online Gross Gambling Yield (GGY) refers to the amount retained by gambling operators after the payment of winnings prior to operating cost deductions. This was 21% higher in quarter three of 2024 than in quarter three of 2023. With so many people enjoying gambling hobbies, it’s no surprise that these lead some to financial challenges.

2. Changes to employment

Periods of unemployment and/or transitions to lower-paid jobs can create money problems. In 2024, almost 170,000 retail workers lost their jobs. Retail wasn’t the only sector to face economic challenges leading to job loss. 

For example, over 56,000 tech employees lost their jobs between January and March 2024 alone. 

3. Cost of living

As the cost of living increases, more people are finding themselves in household debt. An Office for National Statistics survey found that 56% of adults’ costs increased between October and November 2024 alone. Of these people, 15% started using more credit than usual.

4. Poor money management

Many people don’t feel confident handling their finances, and a lack of money management skills can lead to debt problems.

A 2023 study found that one-third of Brits felt they had made poor financial decisions in the last two years. Out of the participants, 32% felt anxious about money matters, and 42% would have valued receiving financial advice.

5. Unforeseen expenses

Unforeseen expenses, such as repair costs for a broken boiler or a failed car MOT, can also leave many people tackling money struggles. A 2021 study found that more than one in four Brits had experienced at least one financially challenging event in the previous two years.

How to start the conversation with your spouse?

Whether you’re in debt or suspect your spouse is in debt, talking about money matters is the best way to reach a solution. This conversation might be uncomfortable, but there are steps you can take to make it productive.

Conversations about money and relationships can be full of emotional charge. However, careful preparation can reduce the chances of your chat leading to a fight.

Start by collecting all the relevant paperwork to show your loved one the full situation. With all your documentation to hand, you can make notes to help you when your loved one asks:

• Why you’re in debt
• How much debt you’re in
• What interest rates you’re paying
• Who you owe funds to
• Whether creditors are pursuing you
• What you plan to do to pay off your debts

If you’re struggling to pay off your debts, you might consider setting a budget and reducing expenses. If your debts are more serious, you could also research debt management options.

With your notes ready, plan a time for your conversation when distractions are unlikely. For example, this might be when your children are in bed or out of the house.

However, don’t put off the conversation for too long. The sooner you talk about your debt, the sooner you can ease the burden and isolation of carrying this alone.

Conversations when you think a partner may be hiding debt

It’s also important to set aside time for a conversation if you believe your loved one may be hiding debt from you.

This might be the case if you think they’re overspending or if you notice a change in their spending habits. Other signs could include secretive, anxious, withdrawn, or depressed behaviour.

If you discover that your loved one has been hiding debts, it’s normal to be upset. However, the conversation isn’t the time to release anger. Only arrange to talk when you feel calm, and ask your loved one to present all the facts and figures so you can make a plan together.

How to talk to your loved ones about debt

Having a support network can make handling debt much easier. Aside from your spouse, other loved ones you may be able to share your concerns with include parents, adult children, and friends.

As with a spouse, it may be difficult to raise the topic, but you can try conversation starters like:

• “I’m having some money issues, and I think it would help to chat with you”
• “I’m going through a difficult time. I’m not sure what to ask for, but I’d like to talk to you”
• “I know you’ve dealt with money challenges before, and I’m worried about my finances – can we talk?”
• “I haven’t been doing so well recently, and I would appreciate some support with [debt/money challenge]. Would you be able to help?”
• “I’m having a hard time, and I feel like you’re someone I can trust. Are you free to talk?”

Different people will find more support in different relationships. While some will have a supportive, money-knowledgeable parent, others will have a friend or adult child who can help.

How to speak to loved ones about their debt situation

When you believe a friend or family member may be facing money worries, it can be difficult to know what to say. 

Try these conversation starters to let them know you’re there for them. These should also help dissolve the stigma associated with talking about debt:

• “I’ve noticed that you seem [upset/worried/stressed]. Is there anything I can do?”
• “Do you want to go for a walk and have a chat?”
• “I understand if you want to keep things private, but do you want to tell me more about [money worry/concern]?”
• “I’ve had problems with finances in the past, so if you want to chat I’m here to help.”

Once you’ve started the conversation, you may be able to support your loved one further with the following strategies.

1. Encourage more conversation about money 

Once you’ve spoken to your friend or family member, there may be another person who can better support them. This could be a spouse, parent, or adult child. 

Encourage your loved one to continue the conversation with others about their financial situation. You can continue checking in to support them through this.

2. Help them budget

If your loved one feels powerless in their debt situation , offer to help them create a budget. If they accept, ask them to collect paperwork detailing their finances so you can work through the matter together.

3. Seek income opportunities

Your friend or family member may be able to resolve their money worries with additional income. Researching employment and side hustle opportunities can help your loved one earn extra cash. Another option is to research government benefits and/or tax relief they may be eligible for.

4. Connect them with debt management resources

If your loved one’s debt struggles are serious, you could research debt management options. Solutions may include:

• Individual Voluntary Arrangements (IVAs)
• Debt Management Plans
• Administration orders
• Debt Relief Orders (DROs)
• Bankruptcy 

For further information, head over to StepChange for their guide on debt solutions available across the UK or their region.

What to do if your loved one doesn’t want to talk about money

It can be challenging when you need to address financial challenges but your loved one doesn’t want to talk. There could be various reasons why your loved one doesn’t want to talk. Perhaps they feel so overwhelmed they can’t face a conversation, especially if they feel out of their depth finding a solution.

In this case, you could suggest that you’ll brainstorm solutions before the discussion. This can help relieve their overwhelmedness and reframe the conversation as a positive one.

You may then be able to present them with a budget that simplifies ways to save on bills and other spending. Including luxuries they enjoy can help your loved one feel more comfortable with the proposed plan.

You could also suggest using a bank that allows them to separate money into ‘pots.’ This can make budgeting easier, perhaps with one pot for bills and one for niceties.

Another option is to keep discretionary money in cash. This makes it easier to know exactly how much is available for luxuries.

When your loved one is reluctant to talk, reassure them that you won’t be placing blame. The conversation is about achieving financial goals, not deciding who’s good or bad with money.

What can I do if someone owes me money and is avoiding me?

If the person who owes you money continues to avoid you, you can try a mediation service. This is cheaper, quicker, and friendlier than going to court in most cases. 

Mediation services can help if you’ve asked another party to repay you but they haven’t responded or if the situation has become heated. A mediator works with both parties to set out an immediate repayment, partial payment, or payment plan.

If you can’t reach a solution through mediation, you can make a statutory demand. This involves writing a formal request for the funds. Once the person who owes you money receives this, they have 21 days to pay. 

If they don’t, you may use this document to take the matter to court.

Help with debts from Equifax and StepChange

Speaking to a loved one about debt and money problems can be difficult. However, it’s always a necessary step to improving your financial situation, as Qasim King, a Debt Advisor for StepChange, confirms:

“Debt is often a word that can trigger all sorts of negative and stressful emotions. In reality, if you face that word with conviction in your eyes, determination in your heart, and support from close loved ones, it’ll quickly start to lose its power. 

“You’ll soon see it as a very small word, a very common problem, and one that can hopefully be resolved with guidance from organisations like StepChange.”

Find more support on tackling money and relationship challenges in the debt management segment of our Knowledge Centre.

You can also speak to the debt advice charity StepChange, an organisation dedicated to providing free, unbiased guidance on how to resolve debt matters.